DESMOND AND SARAH SILVEIRA are accomplishing the seemingly impossible: They’re raising children without a cell phone.
All nine of them.
ALL NINE OF THE SILVEIRA CHILDREN GATHER FOR A FAMILY PHOTO. PHOTO COURTESY OF THE SILVEIRA FAMILY
“When cell phones hit the market about 20 years ago, I guess out of frugality, I decided not to get one because I knew a smartphone was coming,” said Desmond, a software engineer. “It wasn’t until I started working at home the last five years that I needed one. Before that, I found there’s a lot that can be done to get around using a cell phone.”
At a parent safety meeting around the same time, the director of religious education cited a statistic linking access to a webcam and an increased risk of a child being exploited, Desmond said.
He and Sarah said, at that moment, it was “quite obvious kids should not have access to that stuff.”
Their children, ages 4 to 26, have grown up knowing they would not have the same form of entertainment and communication as their friends. Are they missing out? Most of the Silveira kids say no.
“It does get annoying when everyone around me is on their phone,” said John, 16, a Servite junior who does well in school, excels at cross country, serves as an altar server and has a strong friend group. “But I know it’s for my own good.”
A recent study published in The Lancet Child & Adolescent Health journal found that 1 in 12 kids are being exposed to abuse and sexual exploitation online.
Sean Covey, author of The 6 Most Important Decisions You’ll Ever Make, writes that pornography is “the addiction of the 21st century.” Experts claim the average age boys in the United States are accessing internet pornography is 11.
Keeping a phone out of their children’s hands has been a firm rule in the Silveira home. When son Vincent, now 20, attended St. Michael’s Abbey Prep School in Silverado, the school enforced a strict no-phone policy. At St. John the Baptist in Costa Mesa, phones are not allowed in the classroom. Servite High School in Anaheim, where two of the Silveira boys attend, adopted a policy banning cell phones during school hours last year.
Son Ben, 14, has asked for a phone to participate in his volleyball team’s group chats. Instead, he emails friends to stay in the loop or communicates through Discord.
This fall, daughter Catherine, 18, headed off to John Paul the Great Catholic University in San Diego with a phone in her backpack. She bought it herself and plans to join Instagram to promote her art. She has had access to Pinterest and Discord but no social media until now.
The Silveira children have been raised in a strict upbringing by loving parents. They are expected to earn points by doing chores, exercising and being kind in order to play games on their game consoles and desktop computers. Failure to do so results in a deduction of points and missed gaming opportunities.
It’s not the cell phones themselves that are the issue, asserts therapist Brandon Joffe of Inspired Resolutions in Yorba Linda; it’s the potential addiction. Brandon, who works with kids from Rosary, Servite and Mater Dei, among other schools, said he has seen the number of struggling teens soar over the last two decades.
“Issues with cell phones are a correlation, not causation,” Brandon said. “It’s bad, don’t get me wrong. But research shows this and other things going on— family dynamics, inconsistent parenting— are also at play. Some parents ignore or minimize risks, or they get caught up with ‘Keeping up with the Joneses.’”
Brandon acknowledges phones afford great benefits, such as the Bible app he visits regularly. Additionally, the devices are practical for coordinating rides and can be used as educational tools, but there needs to be limitations, whether through parental controls or house rules.
“With teens, 77 percent use social media on their phone several hours a day,” Brandon said. “They’re exposed to bullying and addictive dopamine hits throughout the day. Mental health disorders correlate with high usage of social media and cell phones.”
Brandon advises that before giving your child a phone, “Ask yourself, why are you giving access to social media? Are you willing to monitor it and do you have the time?”
When behavioral issues get out of control, parents need to acknowledge there’s an issue within the family, Brandon said.
Before it even gets to that point, start discussions early regarding cell phone use to plant the seeds for health and balance, Brandon added. Oftentimes, arguments, especially with teens, become more damaging than the issue of cell phones.
“We need to pay attention to our children,” Brandon offered. “A 2- or 3-year-old attached to a phone is an unhealthy stimulation. If a 1- to 2-year-old becomes obsessed with sweets early on, it’s a sign. Children do not have the God-given gift of self-regulation.”